Effective Formula to Invite Your Partner with Dementia to Activities
Did you know that the way you invite your partner to participate in activities can significantly impact whether or not they say yes? If you've ever asked them, “Do you want to [fill in the blank]?” you might have noticed their default response is often... no. But why is that? Saying no is usually the safer option. When someone says no, it means nothing has to change from what they're currently doing. If they're not in the mood, feeling unwell, or experiencing pain, no feels like the safest choice. If the task seems too overwhelming or unclear, no is again the easiest, safest response.
As dementia progresses, it's also common for people to become more apathetic or resistant to activities they once enjoyed. When this reluctance is paired with frequent refusals, it can leave you feeling defeated and unsure of how to encourage your partner to engage in daily life or participate in activities—whether with you or on their own.
So, what is a better way to introduce activities and invite your partner to participate? Well, there is a simple formula for invitation that we can apply and that is:
- Acknowledge their interest/ability
- Introduce the activity
- Emphasize the shared experience or ask for help
- Keep the invitation light and open
So, let's expand on this a bit and then I'll provide you with some examples.
Acknowledge Their Interest/Ability
Activities should be fun, familiar, functional, and flexible. This means that any activity you introduce should naturally appeal to your partner, involve something they enjoy or are interested in, and be adaptable to their current abilities. When suggesting an activity, start by acknowledging their interests or strengths, making it clear how the activity aligns with what they like or are capable of. However, this step may not always be necessary, depending on your partner’s personality and their motivation to participate.
Examples:
"I know you are..." / I know you are always looking for ways to help out.
"I know how much you love....[activity]" / I know how much you love to cook.
"I know much you like....[activity]." / I know how much you like to keep the house clean.
"You always enjoyed...[activity]" / You always enjoyed sitting on the porch.
"You've always been so good at....[activity]" You've always been so good at crossword puzzles.
"I remember you said you wanted to...[activity]." / I remember you said you wanted to feed ducks.
Introduce the Activity
Mention the activity in a natural, conversational way. Rather than asking if they want to do something or giving an instruction, present it as a spontaneous suggestion—like a “bright idea.” Since people with dementia may have difficulty understanding abstract concepts, it can help to bring the activity with you, point to it, or set it up in advance and invite them over. This way, they can see what you’re referring to, and you’re more likely to get a "positive" response.
Examples:
"I was thinking..." / I was thinking we could grab some ice cream after your doctor's appointment.
"I thought we could..." / I thought we could sit on the porch for a little.
"I thought you might like to..." / I thought you might like to play a card game.
"I found..." I found this beautiful picture book.
"I bought this..." I bought this beautiful puzzle.
"I have this..." I have this basket of clothes I need to fold.
"Look what I got!"
"I'm about to..." / I'm about to cook dinner.
"I could..." / I could really use some fresh air.
Emphasize the Shared Experience or Ask for Help
While it’s not always necessary to do everything together, many people with dementia benefit from shared activities. As dementia progresses, it often becomes harder for them to start tasks independently or work through problems on their own. Engaging in activities with someone else helps bridge that gap. By participating together, you help initiate the task and provide valuable cues for how to proceed, making it easier and more enjoyable for them to engage. Therefore, introducing an activity as a shared experience is typically more appealing.
Examples:
"I thought we could [fill in the blank] together."
"I would love for you to join me."
"I’d love your company."
"I could really use your help."
Keep the Invitation Light and Open
While this step might not always be necessary, it offers your partner a sense of choice and control. By phrasing the invitation in a way that allows them to decline, you might also gain valuable insight into why they’re not interested. They may share that they’re tired, in pain, or simply not feeling up to it. This gives you the chance to address an unmet need or suggest a different activity that feels more suitable for them in the moment.
Examples:
"How does that sound?"
"What do you think?
"What do you say?"
Activity Invitation Examples
Now, let’s pull everything together and look at examples of how our Invitation Formula can be applied to different activities. Keep in mind, acknowledging their interest or ability and keeping the invitation light and open may be optional depending on the situation, and you’ll see that reflected in the examples.
Washing Dishes
“I know how much you like helping me in the kitchen. I thought we could wash these dishes together. I'll rinse them and you can put them in the dishwasher. How does that sound?
Sitting Outside on the Porch
“I know how much you love getting fresh air. I was thinking we could spend some time on the porch this morning. It feels wonderful outside! What do you think?
Holding a Therapeutic Baby Doll
“Look what I got! Her name is Elizabeth. What do you think? [follow their lead on whether they think it's real or realize it's a baby doll]
Petting a Therapeutic Pet
“I know how much you love dogs. This is Charlie! What do you think? [follow their lead on whether they think it's real or realize it's a fake pet]
Looking at a Picture Book
“I know how much you love pictures. I found this beautiful picture book. I thought we could look at it together. What do you say?”
Feeling a Sensory/Fidget Blanket
“I know how much you love blankets. This one has a bunch of different textures and cool things on it. I thought you might enjoy trying it out. Here, have a feel!
Shredding Junk Mail
“I know you are always looking for ways to help out. I have a box of junk mail that needs shredding. I could really use your help!"
Arranging Flowers
“I know how much you love flowers. I bought some flowers yesterday, and I thought we could arrange them together. What do you think?
Chair Exercises
“I remember you telling me you wanted to be more active, but your knees are always hurting. I found some simple chair exercises, and I thought it would be nice if we did them together. I already have everything set up for us! What do you say?”
Making Christmas Cards
“I know how much you love making cards for people. I thought we could make some Christmas cards together for the local children's hospital. How does that sound?
Setting the Table
“Dinner is almost ready and I thought you might like to help me set the table. How does that sound?”
Putting Lids on Tupperware
“I know how much you love organizing things. All of these Tupperware containers are missing lids. I could really use your help figuring out which lid goes with each container."
It may take some trial and error to figure out what your partner enjoys, what motivates them, and the best way to invite them to engage in an activity. But don’t get discouraged! Keep inviting them to join in different activities.
In the next blog we'll discuss special considerations and tips for when your partner is especially apathetic or resistant to activities, particularly if they haven’t engaged in anything for a long time.
Leave us a review.
We love hearing from you.
Every review helps us reach and help more caregivers like you.