How to Ask for Help as a Dementia Caregiver

Many caregivers struggle with asking for help or accepting it when offered. However, seeking and accepting support is not a sign of weakness—it is a necessary step in ensuring both you and your partner receive the best possible care.

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Why do you struggle to ask for help?

Understanding why you may feel resistant to asking for help can be the first step in overcoming this barrier. Some common reasons include:

• Perceived Difficulty: You may feel that help is hard to find or others are too busy to make themselves available to help.
• Guilt or Shame: You may feel that because you took on the caregiving role, you should be able to handle everything on your own. Asking for help might seem like you’re failing in your responsibilities or prioritizing your own needs over your partner’s.
• Fear of Burdening Others: You might worry that asking for help will inconvenience friends, family, or others like professionals.
• Perfectionism: You may believe that no one else can provide care exactly the way you do.
• Loss of Control: Delegating tasks can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to managing every aspect of care.
• Cultural or Societal Expectations: You might have grown up believing that caregiving is a duty that should be shouldered alone.
• Financial Concerns: You may worry about the cost of care services or feel unable to compensate others for their time.

Do any of these resonate with you?

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Let's reframe your perspective!

Instead of viewing help as a sign of failure, consider it a natural, essential part of good caregiving. Here’s how you can shift your mindset:

• Acknowledge That Caregiving Is a Team Effort: Maybe you can do everything on your own. But, even if you can, it doesn't mean that you should. Accepting help ensures your partner continues receiving quality care even when you need a break. Caregiving can be a long journey and you don't want to burn yourself out too early along the way.
• Recognize That Caregiver Burnout Hurts Everyone: If you exhaust yourself, your ability to provide good care to both yourself and your partner diminishes. Taking breaks allows you to be a more present in your own life and more effective as a caregiver.
• Understand That People Want to Help: Friends and family often want to support you but may not know how. When someone says, “Let me know if you need anything,” they likely mean it but don’t know what would be most helpful. Without clear direction, they may hesitate or assume you prefer space. By asking for specific help, you’re giving them a chance to contribute in a meaningful way.
• Let Go of Perfectionism: It's likely true that others may not care for your partner in exactly the same way you do. However, it's important to recognize that help can take many forms. Others may offer valuable support through tasks that don't directly involve caregiving, such as running errands, handling household chores, or managing paperwork. If you are seeking direct care for your partner and are open to others sharing in that responsibility, remember that they don’t have to do everything exactly as you would to still provide good care. Letting go of perfectionism allows you to accept help in various forms, making it easier to share the load while ensuring you and your partner still receives the care needed.
• Remember That Your Well-Being Matters Too: Your health, peace of mind, and quality of life are just as important as the care you provide. Dementia caregivers who neglect self-care and breaks from caregiving are at risk for significant health issues, including higher rates of depression, anxiety, and chronic conditions, as well as increased likelihood of burnout and hospitalization. Start prioritizing yourself NOW. Self-care isn’t selfish—but even if it were, so what? Your well-being matters, and prioritizing it is never a bad thing!

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Practical Steps for Asking for Help

1. Make a List of Potential Helpers: Create a list of trusted family, friends, or professionals you can reach out to for help. Note any specific strengths they bring or any boundaries they may have regarding when and how they can assist. This will make it easier to match the right person to the right task when the need arises.
2. Identify Specific Needs: Write down tasks that could be delegated. Make a long list of everything you can think of. Whether you can do it yourself or not is not important. This could include running errands (i.e., dropping off something at the post office, grocery shopping, or picking up medications), household chores, preparing meals, providing companionship, transportation needs, identifying community resources, help filling out forms, etc..
3. Start Small: If you’re uncomfortable asking for help, begin with a small request. Pick 3-4 tasks from your longer list that a friend or family member might be comfortable doing and say something like: “Hey, Debrah, you mentioned I could reach out if I needed anything. I could really use help with a few things—would you be able to take on one of these?” This makes it easier for them to say yes without feeling overwhelmed. It also puts the ball in their court, allowing them to choose something they feel most comfortable and aligned to help with.
4. Use Direct and Clear Communication: Anytime you ask for help you want to be as specific as possible. For example, if there's only one thing you are really needing help with ask for that help specifically and directly: "Would you be able to visit Bob Wednesday morning for two hours? I have a few errands I need to run that day." This way the person already knows the need and expectation.
5. Give People a Heads Up: If you need help on Wednesday, avoid asking on Tuesday unless it’s a last-minute situation. Providing advance notice allows people to plan ahead, making them more likely to say yes. When they have time to adjust their schedule, they may feel more comfortable offering their time and assistance.
6. Accept Help Without Apology: When someone offers assistance, resist the urge to say, "Are you sure?" or "I hate to ask." Instead, simply say, "Thank you, I really appreciate it." If you feel awkward later, that’s okay—but in the moment, just accept the help!
7. Utilize Community and Professional Resources: Support groups, respite care services, and adult day programs can provide valuable relief. Don’t hesitate to explore these options. If you’re unsure where to start, consider investing in Hidden in Plain Sight: The Ultimate Resource Guide for Dementia Caregivers, which can help you identify the resources available to you.
8. Consider Hiring Help: If financially possible, hiring in-home care, housekeeping services, or meal delivery can lighten your load. Identify the areas where you need the most support, then review your budget to determine what services fit and to what extent.

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Remember, asking for help is never a sign of weakness or failure—it’s a necessary strategy for sustainability. Caregiving can be a long journey, and having the right support is important for both your well-being and your partner’s care. You deserve support, and there are people—whether friends, family, professionals, or even random strangers—who are willing to help. All you have to do is ask—and guess what? You don’t have to feel guilty about it!